I haven’t written a post like this in a long time, because my problems are not the responsibility of others. However, this kind of writing borders on therapeutic and I think I owe myself a favor.
I’m at a loss; I really am. I do not doubt the fact that women are complex beings, generally requiring much more [whatever] than men. This isn’t a negative statement, but rather factual evidence and something both men and women have to live with.
I love Melissa, I really and truly do. There’s nothing more that I like than knowing the smile on her face is because of me. For some guys, it’s different. Some guys like to know they did well by taking a girl out on a nice date, or buying her something super shiny and expensive. But, for me, it’s as simple as a smile.
Melissa is a tough one to crack though. With most people, a lasting smile is something that comes by way of a nice complement or a friendly attitude. Hell, even just someone smiling back. I feel though, that I first have to meet a set of fucking criteria before I can even apply to get reciprocal action. But, nothing’s guaranteed — this is an incredible amount of work that typically ends up in failure. My point is, if you have to work so hard to get someone to feel good about themselves, even just for a minute, then chances are they are not wanting to feel that way and continuing on, ignoring your input, is the likely path: failure.
I’m to the point now where I’ve come to believe there is absolutely nothing I can do, on my terms, to make this girl dumb-happy. She’s going to make herself happy, on her own terms and unfortunately for me, I’m irrelevant.
That’s frustrating. I’m supposed to be the person that has a responsibility of adding to another person’s happiness, but I’ve got the distinct feeling that I’ve been set aside or I’m being set aside in favor of Melissa doing it herself. Most guys will tell you, in a situation like this, “ah, no worries”, but for me, this is distinct failure on my part to do something correctly.
The other thing is that I can’t do anything to make her gain rationality in rough times. I feel like I’m just another fucking person and when she’s pissed, just another asshole. Again, failure on my part to do something correctly.
Now, I’ve listed two failures and I’m trying to justify them in a rational sense. Are they really failures, or do they just feel like failures?
That’s where I start getting confused.
I have to evaluate myself to get a good idea of what I’m bringing to the table to make sure I’m not an asshole and that I am doing what I can to better our relationship.
- I am a good guy
- I am funny, humorous
- I cook, I clean
- I listen
- I give feedback
- I’m good at taking criticism and I don’t fly off the handle unless provoked. A majority of the time, I can set my pride aside if I know I’m wrong.
- I question my beliefs and reinforce them with truth.
- I’m there when you fucking need me
So, with the basics down, where am I going wrong?
There is some stuff that has changed in our relationship. I’ve learned to just let her vent. Simple, just let her talk it out and listen. I’m mindful of what she’s saying, but I don’t offer feedback; which is often seen as criticism (this is not just a Melissa thing, this is almost 100% of women). I know this is where I’ve had success, I’ve seen it on her face and she’s told me!
I think the biggest and most challenging difference between us is that we “feel” in different ways. I need to be touched in order to understand what one person may be saying. For example saying, “I love you”, is nice, but if you add some physical contact, it makes more of an impact.
With Melissa, all she needs is to be told in a way that is truthful. As where I am heavily impacted by those words with added touch, she tells me that it’s the same for her as long as that feeling is conveyed through speech.
OK, cool. I get it. I even understand it. But, it’s like we only communicate on one platform; her platform. It’s not hard to understand why either; pick a medium for discussion which will simplify thought and ultimatly life. That’s the round-about-way of saying, don’t fucking worry about it. But, it sucks when you put in the effort to pay attention to these things without getting anything back as frequently.
We’ve been together now for over two years. Relationships change, period. They aren’t as physical as they once were in the beginning and people become comfortable with each other. You can push the boundaries you wouldn’t dare push in the beginning and know the other person won’t leave. That’s how it is and that’s how it always will be, regardless of who you end up with in life. It’s not a depressing thought either, however I do think it’s something to be mindful of.
I’ve worked hard over the past year to regain that feeling of “puppy-love” with Melissa. I hated that the feeling went away so soon. The type of work involved in doing this is to set aside your difference and just to remember how much you enjoy the other person’s company. But, while I strive to be in her company, she strives to achieve her goals and her work. I’m happy that she is an overachiever, but I’m not happy that I consistently feel like I’m second to all of that shit.
I love this girl and I get it, I really do. She’s got some of the greatest traits I know of and she is, by far, the most determined woman I have ever met. If there’s anything in this world that can be done, you can coun’t on her to get it done. This is one of the reasons I love her so much. It’s also one of the reasons she annoys the living shit out of me. Drop the fucking schedule and spend an hour doing nothing with me. The world will still be there when you get back.
Thanks for letting me vent; I feel a little better now.